Thanksgiving and His Faithfulness

We're going to Maryland for Thanksgiving to visit Dirk's family.  His aunt and uncle own an inn in Taneytown called Antrim 1844.  It's an old pre-Civil War era house that started as a 4 room bed and breakfast that they've steadily grown and expanded over the years.  Every year or two they buy up more houses, renovate them, and turn them into more guest rooms.  It's beautiful all the work they've done to the place.  They've received multiple awards and recognition for the Inn as well.  http://www.antrim1844.com

6 years ago before Dirk and I were married he took me up to Antrim for the first time to meet his family.  (Well, really it's his mom's family.)  I was so nervous, and they were so loving and friendly and I fell in love with them instantly.  Granny is quite the spitfire, with no real filter between her brain and her mouth.  She will tell you exactly what she thinks, that's for sure!  She has not quite mastered the art of speaking the truth in love, though.  Her remarks can be quite scathing, and you must have a thick skin if you become the subject of her criticism.  Thankfully she likes me, and rarely picks on me.  My husband has been the subject of her harsh tongue on many occasions.  She truly loves him, though, and calls him her "Darling Boy."  His Aunt Dort (short for Dorothy) and Uncle Richard are two of the most generous people I've met.  They always put the whole family up in the Inn for the big family Thanksgivings, and prepare quite a feast for everyone to enjoy.  Their business has flourished, and they enjoy sharing their success with their friends and family.  There are several more aunts, uncles, and cousins as well, all very kind and loving, and I'm excited to make the trip up to see everyone.

Dort and Richard are I guess what you could call socialites.  There are lots of parties, lots of celebrations, and always lots of wine and liquor, and it's no different for holidays.  Years ago that was part of the fun of going up there - enjoying food and drink, laughing with everyone, and waiting to hear just what Granny would say after she had her scotch and bummed a cigarette from whoever was willing.  But the thing is, God has completely changed my heart about alcohol.  After I got saved, I still drank some and sometimes too much.  There was one morning when we were on vacation and I woke up after having had a lot to drink the night before.  I tried to pray and honestly felt separated from God.  It was horrible, painful, and gut-wrenching.  I had never understood what it meant to have a wall between me and God, but I definitely experienced it that morning.  It was then that I made the decision that drinking was not something I could continue to do and remain in fellowship with the Lord.

Not drinking at all was difficult at first, because alcohol had actually been a much bigger part of my life that I realized.  Of course in familiar situations that temptation to drink always rose up, but 1Chorinthians 10:13 says, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so you can stand up under it."  And that verse is so true.  Yes, I was tempted on many occasions, but Christ gave me the strength to drink water instead of wine.

Before I got saved, I believed that Christianity was a set of rules that you had to live by and in doing so, you'd be giving up a lot of fun and good times.  But the reality is, a profound heart change has occurred within me and I've been given more freedom through Christ than I ever had before.  I've not had a drink since May 2008, and though there's about a millisecond of consideration when I'm offered some wine in a social setting, overall that temptation is becoming less and less.  I know that I will be faced with it tomorrow and Thursday, but I also know that God is absolutely faithful and will give me the strength I need to withstand it.  This is the first big Thanksgiving that we've gone up for in 4 years.  I'm excited, and a little nervous, but thankful to be going.  It'll be fun, for different reasons this time!

Reminders and Confirmation

When God decides it's time to work on something within me, He really lets me know it's time.  All the teachings I've heard over the last several weeks, snippets of messages on the radio, and even the book that I'm reading is all God's way to get my attention and give me confirmation that He has pinpointed our next project together in my growth. 

It's resonating within me, "It is not good for you to be isolated."  So ok, I'm going to that ladies' group that meets once a month.  And we've been co-facilitating the Crown Life Group study.  And I'm even starting my own Life Group - a women's fellowship group that's going to meet every other Wednesday evening.  But it's not just about going and doing these things and meeting people and getting to know them.  It's also about the awesome things that God does when we take down our walls and are just real with each other.  I don't want to be just surface-y. 

The decision to start my own Life Group was a pretty big one.  I hemmed and hawwed over it and eventually let the deadline pass when I was supposed to notify the Life Group Pastor if I was going to do it or not.  I figured that I was just too busy to be taking anything else on and it was better just not to do it.  But when we rolled out the new Life Group format at church and I saw that there were no evening groups for women, I got the conviction that this group was something that God really had laid on my heart and I needed to be obedient and do it.

I was sort of hesitant to tell people about it at first, and believed the lie of the enemy that no one would come or be interested in it.  There he was, striking a nerve with that fear of rejection that we all carry.  But what amazed me, and confirmed even more that I had made the right decision, was the overwhelming positive response that I received when I started telling people about it.

I am really excited about my group, and excited to see how God uses us in eachothers' lives.  So, you will find me every other Wednesday (beginning tomorrow night) at Panera Bread, hanging out with a bunch of other ladies over coffee and goodies!

Don't Cry, Porcupine!

Wednesday was the first session of a new Life Group I'm attending at church.  It is hosted by my fabulous pastor's wife and we're reading a book called, "Everybody's Normal Till You Get To Know Them" by John Ortberg.  The book starts off saying that no one is normal - we're all weird, and we all have our own "as-is" tags (much like items on the sale rack... that there is some flaw, but you'll have to figure it out on your own.)  With our as-is tags, we face a dilemma: We know what our tags are, so how do we get close to others without getting hurt?

I was part of a women's bible study group for about a year and a half.  This group stopped meeting last spring, and since it ended, I've kept myself very isolated.  I have not done well in keeping up with the ladies that were in the group.  Only a few do I see or talk to on a regular basis; some I see  in passing at church, and others I have not spoken to since the group dissolved.  It's so odd to me that I was not more proactive in maintaining those friendships after the very personal thoughts, fears, dreams, and struggles that we all shared with one another. 

I have acutely felt the absence of those friendships.  I miss my girls, miss knowing what's going on with them, miss being able to pray with them, laugh with them, and even cry with them.  And I've just used being busy as an excuse not to maintain contact.  The nice thing about being part of an organized group is that there is the assurance that even if you don't get to talk in between meetings, you have that commitment of a scheduled meeting to look forward to.

So the way I'm feeling now starting with this new group is a mixture of emotions.  I am excited to be part of a group of women again, in an environment of trust and love.  I am excited to be re-energized in my Walk.  I am excited to grow closer to God and continue working through my junk, or my "as-is" tags.  I am excited to form relationships with the women in the group.  But with all of that is the uncertainty of where this group will go in the future.  I am sure it will evolve and change over time with the books we read and the women that come and go, and for that reason I can feel the mask reluctantly sticking to my face though I truly want to take it off and be real.  I want to open up, minister to others and be ministered to, but how do I do that without getting hurt?

And there's the irony.  The book is actually about how to get close in relationships and not worry about getting hurt, a point that the author presents as the Porcupine's Dilemma: how does one porcupine get close to another without hurting it with its barbs and/or retreating?

And here's where I have to learn to trust God with my heart.  He's got this, and I know that I will miss out on so much and the ladies will miss out on what I have to offer if I give in to my fear and stay in my self-imposed seclusion.  So I'm going to be brave, and I can't wait to see where God takes me through it.

26.2 - Ouch!

After months of preparation I finally ran the Marine Corps Marathon on Sunday in 4:29:04.

We left for DC around 7am on Saturday and it was raining so heavily I shuddered at the thought of having to run a marathon in a monsoon.  But I praised God for the forecast of 64 degrees and sunshine for Sunday, and the fact that most marathons are traditionally run on Sundays.

We met my mom and her husband at the hotel in Arlington and then made our way to the Convention Center via the metro in Washington to get my race packet.  The expo was full of vendors with lots of merchandise and free samples of energy bars and electrolyte replacement stuff.  We walked around for a bit and checked things out and then went back to the hotel for the traditional pre-long run spaghetti dinner to "carb-up".

Race morning we were up at 4:30am and left the hotel shortly before 6 to get to the starting line.  We took the metro to the Pentagon and walked quite a ways.  It was pretty hard to get lost along the way.  All you had to do was follow the sea of people in front of you... but then it occurred to me, if everyone was just following everyone else, did anyone really know where they were going?  The crowd led us to what I think was the Pentagon parking lot, which was encircled by a grid of porta potties and thousands of runners and their families waiting to relieve themselves.  I had definitely never seen that before.

The timing was perfect, though.  After we had waited our turn to potty, we followed everyone else to the starting line.  And then the sea of people we had been following stopped moving and I saw the towers with expected finish times that we were supposed to line up in.  I made my way to the 4:10-4:30 block and climbed over the metal rail to line up.  My family waited there with me, giving me a last-minute swig of water and taking my warm-ups as the Marine Corps Chaplain prayed over us, the Star Spangled Banner was sung, and Montell Williams gave the runners-take-your-mark.

It took me about 15 minutes to cross the starting line after the official start of the race.  That's why they give you a "d-tag" to track your official time.  I thought that along the way the crowd would thin out, but it never did.  It was almost hypnotic to see the field of runners in front of me, heads bobbing, everyone moving at around the same pace.  It was such a heavy crowd that you really had to be careful of your step - someone was likely to slow down or move in front of you without warning and trip you up.

I did decide to wear my iPod, and I'm so glad that I did.  I never found the pace team I wanted to run with in the crowd, so I was pretty much on my own.  The people I ran with evolved and changed over the course of the race, so I really don't feel like I missed out on any enlightening conversations or getting to know the people around me.

My pace was pretty consistent until about mile 18.  I did get to see my family at that point on the course.  There were so many spectators all along the course, it's hard to believe that I actually saw them, and I totally credit it to God.  After I saw them, that's when I really started to feel the mileage, and when the serious praying started.  Mile 20 started us up some highway bridge that they had closed for the race... and it was sunny, hot, with no shade, no water station, and no real breeze either like we had been enjoying along the Potomac.  That's when I knew that yes I was, in fact, insane.  My throat started closing up, my feet were aching, my legs screaming...  "C'mon, Jesus.  C'mon, Jesus.  I need you to carry me now.  Oh, what have I gotten myself into?  Never again, Jesus.  I don't know what I'm trying to prove here."  The thing about the marathon that makes it so hard is that your muscles will only hold enough glycogen to get you through about 20 miles of running.  That last 6 miles sucks everything out of you, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Eventually that bridge came to an end, but there were still 5 long miles to go after it.  Every mile from that point on was a victory.  My music and Jesus pulled me along the rest of the course and I saw the arch at the finish line and it was such a relief.  The last 0.2mi was a hill - a freaking hill!  And I had to dodge two people in front of me who stumbled on their way up.  But I crossed the finish.

The finishers were pretty much herded like cattle through corrals at the finish line to get our medals, space blankets for warmth (trash bags, basically, to wrap around ourselves - your muscles lose the ability to keep you warm after that kind of exertion), powerade, and a baggie with a bagel and banana in it.  We all shuffled along, hurting, smelly, and trying to get to the finish festival to find our families.  When I finally found Dirk and my mom and Bert, I was so relieved.  There was no way I ever would've found them at the finish line.  And then I saw the gigantic crowd waiting for the metro to get back to the hotel.  Even after running all that way, I decided to walk the mile back to the hotel rather than waiting along with everyone else for the metro.  Well, I suppose it was not really walking.  More like hobbling.  Before we left there were all these massage tables set up, with many sore runners getting rubbed down, but I knew if I stopped I would not start moving again, so back to the hotel it was.

I was so glad to get back to the room.  And didn't even know where to start once I got there.  I knew I needed to eat, but didn't want to.  I definitely needed a shower, but couldn't make myself walk to the bathroom.  I needed to get my shoes off, but couldn't bend down to do it.  I just kinda stood there, trying to decide what to do for a while.  Eventually I got sweat pants and a tee shirt on and curled up in a ball on the bed.

I was disappointed that I did not make my goal of 4:15, but really I ran this one in just about the same amount of time I did the Charlotte marathon.  There are lots of excuses I could give, like the crowd and having to side-step people, or the collective slow-down at all the water stations, or I started too far back in the starting corrals, or not being able to find my pace team, or all the walking we had to do before the race... but when it comes down to it, who cares?  I still finished it!

I am very thankful that it is over.  My plan (if I can stand it) is to abstain from any form of excercize until Sunday at least.  And then, if I'm running at all, it'll be mixed in with some weight training and other forms of cardio.  It's time to change it up a bit, and give my body a break from the pounding I just put it through.  My sweet husband has been so incredibly supportive, and is taking good care of me as I recover.  As of right now, I do not want to run another one.  Dirk seems to think I will.  I guess we will see.

Preparations

I have been scratching days off of my training program for the last 4 months... I'm running out of days to scratch off!  My race is this Sunday.

The mileage is drastically low this week in preparation for the race.  Only 3 today, 4 tomorrow, and 2 Thursday.  It's lots of resting, stretching, and eating well for me for the rest of the week, gathering my strength and maintaining my health.

So now that it's actually race week (of a different variety than the Concord version), I have to figure out exactly where I need to be, when I need to be there, and how to get where I need to be this weekend.  Usually I am pretty ok with just figuring things out as I go, worrying about logistics as things play out, and just playing it by ear...  This is not a situation in which I feel comfortable at all just going with the flow.  There is always a little bit of stress on race mornings in trying to find my race packet (contains my bib and timing chip) and the starting line, but this race is SO much bigger than any race I've run before, and it's not in my hometown.  There are 30,000 people (that's not a type-o) that run this race and it's in the nation's capital.

The majority of my morning was spent today scouring the MCM website, the hotel website, and the DC metro system website for information, instructions, and directions.  I am trying to be very well prepared so that when it comes time for this weekend logistics are not an issue and I can focus on that whole 26.2 mile-thing I've been training for.

I've decided to run with a pace team to help me finish in 4:15.  I think this goal is pretty attainable.  I have used my iPod through the majority of my long runs, and now I'm trying to decide whether to use it for the race or not.  I feel like I need my music to get me through that distance, but a lot of people say that it takes away from the whole experience.  It may be a game-time decision.

I am just so thankful that God is bringing me to the starting line healthy and injury-free.  May I finish it in the same state.

Being Vulnerable

I've heard it said on more than one occasion that when you're in the center of God's will, or "doing something right" you can expect an attack from the enemy.  My pastor likes to say that if you're not dodging arrows from the enemy, it's most likely because you're aligned with him.  When we become Christians no one promises us that life will be easy.  What we are promised is that He will never leave or forsake us in our trials and battles (see Deuteronomy 31:6.)

The biggest thing to realize is that the enemy has no power over us unless we give it to him.  Satan is already a defeated foe!  Jesus took care of that!  But he is out on the prowl like a roaring lion, seeking to kill, steal, and destroy (1 Peter 5:8 and John 10:10.)  And like any other predator, he looks for us in our weakest moments.

What has occurred to me is that when I am physically run down, my soul and my spirit become weak as well.  When I'm busy busy, and filling up my time, taking on commitment after commitment, running here and there, my quiet time becomes less and less and I find that the times that I am speaking to God have become shorter and farther in between.  My prayers are said while I'm eating breakfast in my car on my way to work, or a lot of times I'm more worried about missing the traffic report on the radio than paying attention to what the Savior might be saying to me that morning.  Even on days when I'm off work and don't have to leave my house at 6am, I'm finding that I'm falling asleep saying my prayers or reading the word and not completely focused.  And when my soul is starved of quiet time and the Word, my spirit suffers as well and my attitude stinks.  And how am I to be a Light for Jesus with a crappy attitude?

I've noticed this particularly at the peak of my marathon training.  I've been so physically drained for the last month that the enemy has recognized it and put a bull's eye on my back.  Our house being broken into was the start of it.  Then it was trying to navigate through putting things back in order.  I had to close the bank account and reopen another, which was a huge pain for all the auto drafts, etc I had set up - so that totally blew up my budget for September.  Argh!  Trying to be a good steward here!  And the miles just kept cranking up, and then there was all this stuff that I had committed to and could not miss - baby shower, bridal shower, meetings over the new life group format at church, and Crown.... all things that were important to me and I could not compromise on.  Not to mention working full time, volunteering at Urban Ministry, trying to keep my house in order, bringing our sweet but dysfunctional dog to training, and finding time to spend with my family.  Also this past week Dirk wound up with bilateral scratched corneas and eye infections from his contacts and couldn't do anything but sit in darkness for 3 days.

And all of this has made me take a step back and realize that my vulnerability to the enemy's attacks begins when I'm tired.  So maybe it is a little crazy that most nights I'm in bed by 9:00 at the latest, but it's vital to my physical and spiritual health!

Wednesday Afternoons

On Wednesdays I've been volunteering at the Urban Ministry Center in Charlotte for about 3 months now.  I had been feeling for a while that God was leading me to get involved in a soup kitchen or something of the like, and when our church made a donation there I heard about Urban Ministry and thought it would be a great place to get involved.

Urban Ministry is unique and unlike any other assistance program I've heard of.  It started off years ago as St. Peter's Soup Kitchen at St. Peter's Episcopal Church in uptown Charlotte, and Urban Ministry Center was formed in 1994 by a partnership of uptown congregations and businesses.  Its home is at 945 N College Street at the old train depot.  The soup kitchen is still called St. Peter's Soup Kitchen, but the program has expanded to offer many other services to the poor and homeless.  The Center also offers assistance to the "Neighbors" in obtaining forms of identification, getting bus passes to work or job interviews, they have a person from DSS that comes once a week to help people obtain food stamps, a free van that will transport to the CMC medical clinics, the DMV, or Veterans Affairs Office, a nurse that comes 3 days a week, a podiatrist once a week, a substance abuse program, a soccer team, an art program, showers for use, and washers and dryers for use as well.  The Neighbors may also use UMC as their address so they can get mail.  Urban Ministry is a day shelter, meaning they close every day at 4 and do not offer overnight housing.

What I do there is work the front desk.  The doors open at 8:30am and the Neighbors will come in, get in line, and stop at the front desk to sign up for services.  The most commonly requested service is to speak to one of the counselors.  The counselors are the ones that help the Neighbors navigate "the system", whether it's getting a copy of their birth certificate so they can get a state ID or helping them to get a referral for Loaves and Fishes to get food or getting someone hooked up with Traveler's Aid so they can get back home.  The counselors also will give bus passes if they can verify employment or a scheduled interview somewhere.  They're strict with the bus passes because often they are traded on the street for drugs or other things, which is not something UMC wants to support.

The center gets very crowded as the Neighbors are waiting for their services and people are coming in just to get under a roof.  Then at 10:30 they kick everyone out and set up for lunch.  Lunch is served from 11:00 to 12:15, and then everyone is kicked out again so they can clean up.  The doors then open again for services at 1:30 until closing at 4.

Homelessness is something you know exists, but until you see the face of it, it doesn't really hit home.  There is a lot of mental illness, addiction and dependence that the Neighbors struggle with, and it's really sad to see.  Sometimes they're on the street because of their addiction, and other times they fall into addiction as a method of self-medicating because they're on the street.  There are many hurting faces, many desperate people who come looking for help.  What really touches me, though, is that there are many happy people that come through there as well!  It just goes to show you that happiness is not always dependent on your circumstances.

The biggest thing that Urban Ministry has done for me is to give me a true appreciation for every way that the Lord has blessed me.  Every time I leave there I thank God for His provision, thank Him that I can buy groceries, thank Him that I have a warm, dry home to go to, thank Him that I have clothes on my back, thank Him that He has given me mental and physical health.  We don't realize exactly how good we have it until we meet people who truly know what it means to want for necessities, things that can so easily be taken for granted.

If you want to know more or get involved with Urban Minstry, check out www.urbanministrycenter.org.